Monday, January 29, 2007

I. AM. GOING. TO. PUKE.

Yo Jasp back.

Geez, Siraj, frankly, dude, I'm not Christian or anything, of course, but I totally get how some people might think those cartoons are way too offensive. Mang, they got me riled up! Now I'm ready to go kick some Islamic illustrator's ass, if only because Jesus was a Jew, and fuck 'em if they think they can kick Jews around and get away with it.

Terry, bro, at least you make some sense, even if I don't exactly FEEL your concept of Judeo-Christian values. You sound like you’ve even read the Torah. And you suggest that you went to Sunday school. But you sound more like you have an intellectual or historical understanding of these scriptures. Not everyone is as academic about this stuff as you are. You know, dude, religion isn't just another philosophy class for the rest of the world. It's LIFE. I feel God smacking my ass every time I catch a wave, you dig?

Annika, baby...I am so sorry. I know I said I was going to get up there, but it's been impossible. Just know, whatever happens, I appreciate what you're doing for my fellow countrymen and the American refugees. Say hi to your mom for me.

Now let's talk about these fucktard screwball ideologists on both sides of the aisle.

Personally, suicide bombers irritate me most, because for all their troubles, Palestinians are still way better off than the other Arab shithole countries. Geez, if you're smart enough to turn a human being into an explosive device, isn't there something better you can do with your BRAIN?

Siraj, bro, I love you, man, but you really are beginning to sound to me like you're suffering from Stockholm syndrome. When did you become an apologist for Islamofacist terrorism? It seems to me about the same time Al Jazeera hired you. Honestly, mang, your enthusiasm over American vulnerability makes me not only uncomfortable to read it, but also uncomfortable with our friendship. I don't care if it is your job and you are embedded with good kids. THEY’RE INVADING OUR COUNTRY.

Sweet kids they may be, but they are not your friends, and if you think for a moment that they are, then you've overlooked this new paradigm of peril we are up against. THE LINES HAVE BEEN DRAWN. First they want to push Israel off the map. Now they're invading the USA. Do you think they're going to leave anytime soon? Not until you and I are holding palm frans and cooling badass motherfucker sheiks from the hot mid day sun.

By the way, the oil embargo on the United States –that I can live with. What pisses me off is the idea that these Moslem nations want us to believe that after all these years of being their customers, we're somehow manipulating them. Fuck em. We PAY for that OIL. If the Moslems have it bad, then it's cause their own TYRANNICAL governments are STEALING THEM BLIND. And I wouldn't be surprised if they had, because from what I can see, they've been gouging us for DECADES.

People want to think the boycott of petroleum exports to the U.S. by OPEC nations is just about cars, or about the distribution of goods, or about simply limiting our ability to travel. Nothing could be further from the truth. The Islamofacists don't care where you want to holiday or how you get there. They don't care if you get 12 miles or 120 miles to the gallon.

The boycott is actually all about restricting INFORMATION.

Think about it: If they can turn the lights off, then they think they can restrict access to the Internet. If they do that, they prevent us from communicating with one another. And by doing that, they hope to divide us. Surf's up, it's all about access to information. The Islamofacist Military Complex does not want Christians to have access to the Internet, to satellites, cell phones or any device that might deliver the TRUTH. It's not in their interest give their enemies access to the TRUTH. It's not even in their interest to give their own people access to the truth. That's why in their own countries, Moslem tyrants are arresting BLOGGERS instead of TERRORISTS. Duh.

Siraj, I know you're a Lebanese American, and you like to draw a heavy underscore underneath your Lebanese heritage. I know you were raised as a Muslim. I can understand why you sympathize. But check it, bro:

WE'RE ALL HYPHENATED-AMERICANS.

And now that the Islamofacists have driven a stake hold into North Carolina, some people say now they're going to stay there and use it as base of operations to launch further attacks.

Think. Your parents. They came to THIS COUNTRY for FREEDOM. Security is freedom.

I know you're going to twist that around and say it sounds dark and ORWELLIAN, of course you would. But dude, if we are not secure then we are not truly free. Duh. Think. Say what you want about walls, but they keep the bad guys out.

Seriously, the PMC has had a lock down on US territory since JANUARY FIRST! Iranian Islamofacists held the US embassy for 444 days back in 1979. So, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if the Coalition decides to stick around, even after they airlift Lowell to Cowabunga in the Indian Ocean.

To be honest I'm not even sure that they're even still looking for Lowell anymore. In fact, at this point, I'm no longer convinced there is an Oliver Lowell! Maybe he's a FICTIONAL CHARACTER invented by Indonesian spies? And that's why the PMC forces in the Appalachian Mountains haven't found him yet.

You follow me? Nobody had never even heard of Oliver Benjamin 'Bing' Lowell before July 27th. Suddenly he's a global SUPERSTAR. Well, maybe the Malaysian government destroyed the Petronas Towers themselves, you know, as a way to induce fear in an increasingly pluralistic society and maybe also as a way for a marginal society to win greater influence throughout the Islamic world.

Then by identifying this Lowell character as the cause of all this mayhem, and labeling him a super villain name like 'CHRISTIAN CRUSADER', and "the leader of an international group which goes by the name PURE," these Moslem powers have conjured up the perfect criminal whose mere presence on the planet seems to justify swift, strong action.

Well, I believe that more than I believe some a few grunts learned how to fly a passenger jets over the Indian Ocean well enough to aim them perfectly into two buildings in Kuala Lumpur.

Isn't it more reasonable to assume that a coalition of OPEC tyrants figured out that if you demonize Christians, war is the perfect way to maintain profits after peak oil, not to mention distract uppity populations stuck in the 17th century from asking dangerous questions, like: 'Why can't I download harcore porn?'

Hell, if I was a leader of a Moslem kingdom, and I witnessed how well Bush and Cheney crippled democracy and controlled the country in post 9/11 America, and how they helped their friends get richer by sending troops to Iraq, I know I'd take a page out of that book. Isn't it obvious? The oil embargo and the US incursion is all part of a strategic effort to perpetuate global jihad as a perpetual conflict. And to think we we're such suckers for showing them sympathy after 7/27.

Except, do you really think Bush and Cheney are going to sit on their asses much longer before they start carpet-bombing the Blue Ridge Mountains? HOLYGEEZ. THEY'RE ISLAMOFASCISTS, –AND THEY'RE IN AMERICA! They're in violation of international law. DO WE REALLY NEED TO WAIT ONE MORE MINUTE BEFORE WE BOMB THEM?

Siraj, I just hope you are not caught in the crossfire. Yeah, I know you survived 7/27 and the collapse of the Petronas Towers. I know you were inside when they fell. But ask yourself how well you're going to do after Uncle Sam delivers the ragheads your with a highly enriched uranium chicken samosa.

Dude, CNN is hiring in Atlanta. I looked it up on monster. If you can get a job at Al Jazeera, you can get a job at CNN, for sure. So, if I were you, I'd call your boss on the Satfon and tell him to get you the hell out of Boone before it goes Boom!

Clean, shaved, well behaved, but will kick ass if I have to–

The Jasp